Somehow it's difficult to start this post. It's uncomfortable and I have only just started to put words on what happened. But I know phrasing it will help me. I am in the middle of one of these learning moments, where I can feel the importance of them because they will grant me the clarity I seek for my path. But these moments are connected with a lot of tension, which isn't that easy to endure. It's like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly and is now twisting and turning in order to free itself from its cocoon. Uncomfortable and exhausting.
As you can read in the title, I failed. Well, I wouldn't say that I failed per se, but my undertaking did. For this year I had plans, several projects that were ready to be put into action. But I had to cancel one after the other. Corona. Not enough interested people. Enough interested people who all opted out again. Three projects in three months with three different reasons that brought them to fail.
I don't think that this was a coincidence. Someone up there is testing me, wants to know how serious I am and to help me find clarity on what it is that I really want to do from the bottom of my heart. With one of these project I can already see that it's good that it won't take place. It triggered a lot in me and helped me process a few things from my past and for that it was good. But probably that was all that it had to show me and hence it left early.
The last project I had to cancel was the retreat. My learning process with this project is very different. I poured my heart into this yoga- and nature-weekend and so did my retreat-partner Martina. I could already feel while planing that this is what I want to do with my time, energy and knowledge. It's more than just a project, it's a dream that wants to come true. And this feeling and my will only became stronger when six out of seven participants independently opted out during the course of the last three weeks. With every e-mail that started with "Unfortunately I have to cancel the retreat again, because..." my determination grew, wild and boundless. In the best sense.
I believe failing can be looked at from different angles. You can see it as something you really wanted, but then didn't work out. You can be angry or sad about it, question everything.
Failing might also be an opportunity. An opportunity to learn from the experience and to ask yourself, if you'd do it again and if yes, what you could do differently next time.
I consciously wrote that I didn't fail, because I can see a great potential to evolve in failing. I may have made mistakes, but I didn't fail as this experience makes sense for my own personal story.
The book I'm reading at the moment calls uncomfortable and undesired situation "ass-angels". I like that somehow. Because these experiences aren't awesome, on the contrary they suck. But if you look under the surface they oftentimes turn into angels, because we can improve and learn from these challenges.
And so I pick myself up from the floor after this failed experience and I continue. As always nature is my best advisor. In a moment of desperation I heard a little oak whisper that we all have to start small. She stood there on the field, fragile and almost invisible and only a few feet further away stood her mother. Tall, mighty and wise. She also has started small.