When people die, their dreams and plans often die with them. Or the dreams and plans we had with the deceased. I have been dealing with the subject of death for several years now. Sometimes it feels like an exclusive club of people who have lost someone before their time. A club nobody wants to be in. But as heavy and heartbreaking it is to loose a loved one (no matter of what nature, human or animal), death can be beautiful as well. Terribly beautiful. It's the only security we have in life. We are born and we die. Full stop.
But unfortunately the subject of death finds itself knocking on closed doors. We don't want to talk about it, because it's so damn painful. Because it's scary and we'd rather not think about it. This blog was created because one of my closest friends died. At the beginning it was a way to process her sudden death and to find my way in a new life without her. You can read about it here. And even if some years have passed since her passing and I could fill books about her and my life since, the waves of grief get smaller. They will never leave, but their intensity decreases. Nonetheless it's so important to me that we speak about death and the ones we lost, the ones who aren't here in this realm anymore. That's why I asked my good friend Daniela whether she would be willing to write about her experience with death as she has given birth to her angel child Finian earlier this year. The following words are hers. It's brave to share a painful experience like this and I thank you a lot, dear Daniela!
My angel baby
written by Daniela Marti
Your papa and I were so happy when we learned that I was pregnant and that you were in my belly. We were very excited and grateful to become your parents. At every ultrasound scan we were fascinated and very touched to being able to marvel at you on the screen, you wonderful little thing. Every single time you looked so cute and you had been moving a lot since week 12. We could hardly believe our luck and we couldn't wait to meet you and hold you in our arms. During week 20 we learned that you were a boy and we called you Finian. Your name means "little fair one" or "the bright one", but we mainly chose the name because it's originally from Ireland and we love this country. Unfortunately we had to learn something else than just your gender in this 20th week of pregnancy.
Just as we couldn't believe our luck at the beginning of our pregnancy we now couldn't believe what the doctor told us during the ultrasound: she found abnormalities on many of your little organs which shouldn't be there and she told us that you would most probably be terminally ill. Unfortunately this suspicion proved true and only two weeks later we had to say goodbye to you forever. I guess it wasn't meant for you to stay here on earth with us. The day you were born was the most beautiful and at the same time the most painful day of our lives so far. It was simply wonderful and incredible to meet and hug you. We were able to feel the love for our own child, for you dear Finian and it was absolutely beautiful. But I also felt my heart break because you weren't alive and we would never see you grow up. We will never see you smile or cry, we'll never hear you say mama or papa, never play, swim, listen to music or travel with you. At least you won't be there physically.
Now, five months after your birth I realize that love is stronger than grief. Both will be here forever and take turns now and then. What's going to stay, and I'm absolutely sure about that, is the gratitude for the short time we got to spend with you and will be continuing to spend with you, because I feel very strongly that you're still with us in some kind of way. That's wonderful and I'm looking forward to every coming day on which I'll be able to feel your soul and spend time with you like this. We'll love you forever and you'll always be our first baby and our sweet Finiboy. Thank you for choosing us as your parents!
1) A place I feel very connected to you.
2) We arranged this spot in our apartment for you.
More about Daniela and her story you'll find on her instagram account bipolar.music.lover. (It's written in English, yay!)