The following passages are fragments of my memory of a challenging time. Thoughts I had last week on the occasion of the anniversary of one of my best friend's death two years ago.
When winter makes space for spring and the buds on the magnolia tree are about to bloom, the earth has completed its turn around the sun one more time.
Do you know it?
The power of words?
Once spoken nothing stays the same.
There were three, spoken two years ago, that changed my life abruptly.
When your heart stopped beating, my life as I knew it ended, too. It felt as if a part of me died with you. And in fact, looking at photos from back then I hardly recognize myself.
The first weeks and months I lived in a viscous sugar-mass, but nothing was sweet. Each step, each movement, each breath, each thought was nothing but heavy. Listening to your last voicemail, being in your apartment with you not being there anymore, reading your letters, standing at your grave...
And at the same time it was as if my life wanted to show me that I, unlike you, was still very much alive. Everything was intense, I lived the content of multiple days wrapped in one. I was afraid that I would forget this period of time, took blurry pictures, wrote everything down. Was afraid that I would forget you. Back then I didn't know that everything was burned into my brain irrevocably and that a time would come, in which I wished I could actually forget.
I'm not yet able to tell the story of these first moments. The words are already formed, but they weigh a ton and are still capable to pull me into the vortex of this first sadness.
But there were other words, too. Not spoken out loudly, coming from a place deep within me, accompanying these first ones. They are guiding me since then like a ray of sunshine on a grey day and thanks to them I always found my way out of the deepest valleys.
"This will make you so strong", a voice told me right after I had left my body for a short time, too.
A lot has changed since then, but the days following the anniversary of your death are sending promising signs of spring like they did two years ago, too. Life is still intense, but the intensity has settled on a level I can sustain energetically. My appreciation for life has grown immensely, because it very well could have been my heart that ceased beating, without reason. With my guideline in mind I started to fulfill my dreams. The initiation was my trip to the turtles in Greece the following summer. A dream that had followed me for eight years and that I had actually already set aside. Magically I experienced my first healing there and got to know a person that changed my life and still does. I finally had the courage to leave my secure job to pursue my art and evolve artistically. Something I had already dreamed of as a child. My relationships grew beautifully and make me happy on a daily basis. And everything led me here. To the house of my ancestors, to nature and fulfilled something that for a long time I hadn't even known how much I wanted it.
I'm filled with gratitude for these past couple of years. And even though I obviously wished that I had felt this urgency to pursue my dreams without you passing away and even though I obviously wished you were still alive and we could talk about all that while drinking tea, I know that you're still here. I recognize you in the swaying waves; in a melody that suddenly comes to mind or in a song softly reaching my ear. You are the feathers on my path, the butterflies in February and the sun rays that pierce the clouds.
I don't know if this post makes any sense to you, but I want to thank you if you made it this far. Sometimes words want to be written even though they're incoherent. What I do know is, that I used to absorb words from people who had gone through similar experiences, because they soothed my pain a bit and made me feel less alone. Maybe someone recognizes their own story in my words and if you feel the need to share some of it, feel free to send me a message.
February 28th, 2021