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The next big step

It was quiet here on the blog this past month, but I have been working on a quite big project in the background. I'm proud to announce that there is now *drumroll* a YouTube-channel of crappa e plema!

I'm nervous to make this next step, because there is this little voice inside my head that constantly tells me that my videos are not good enough. It convinces me that I don't have anything interesting to say and who in their right mind would even want to watch my shaky movies? With each cut it let's my fear grow that YouTube and the internet and social media in general are dangerous places, I could lose control and suddenly be under an immense amount of pressure. It hits the brakes, let's me doubt everything and tries to tell me that I'm an impostor, someone who does not belong in this particular world.

I know this little voice, it has been a trusty companion throughout my life and has led me to question many things. But by now I know that it isn't a good guide and that it hasn't the command over me. I listen to its concerns, but then...I do it anyway. For I want to do what brings me the biggest joy and what my heart beats for: telling stories. Through words, with my music and newly also through the genre of film.

My YouTube-channel hasn't been created with the goal of becoming the next YouTube-Star. Honestly I don't even know exactly what my goals with this channel are, but I can feel that it pulls me in this direction and that I want to give it a try. Some of my biggest sources of inspiration come from YouTube. I love watching well made films of people who have a sense for aesthetics, who let me escape into their world, share their lives with me and who show their highs and lows authentically. Their stories touch me and I notice that something in me wants to give back that feeling in some way. And despite of what the little voice tries to tell me, I know that I have a story to tell and if I reach just one person (even if it's only me), I'll be the luckiest girl.

It has taken me a while to create my first YouTube video. The idea has been here all along, the scenes and the story, too and of course mister perfectionism was the first one to arrive. I watch the movies of my idols and think: this is exactly how I want to do it, too! and I start working with this intention. Now I am almost laughing because obviously I can't be doing it as well as they do yet! I only recently started experimenting with the genre of film and I don't have any idea what I'm doing here. But I do it anyway for I know that I want to learn it.

I believe that in general the "I do it anyway"-philosophy helps me, because I can sense that it's the right thing, for me. How scared was I to leave my safe job, but at last I did it anyway. How much was still unclear when I decided to move, but I did it anyway. Starting this blog, being self-employed, living alone, not knowing what next week will bring, creating the YouTube-channel... I did it, despite the wild storm that took over my thoughts sometimes. And before I start a hymn of praise for myself, what I actually mean to say is: oftentimes things scare us and the little voice inside of us gets really loud, but still, we can feel that it's right to choose this particular path. We can decide the direction we want to take and if we want to listen to the little voice or to our heart.

Like a real YouTuber I want to ask you to please subscribe to my channel. =)


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