At the beginning of this year I chose a word that should represent this year and the first one that came to mind was "clarity". It had been a while since I quit my job and started my self-employment journey and I could feel intuitively that after a long phase of experimenting the time had come to become very clear on what I wanted to do professionally. But sometimes you can't even fathom what will become of your wishes. My year didn't start clear at all. Like I wrote in a post a few months back, I failed a lot this year, many projects didn't work out and I found myself sitting in front of an empty calendar. To endure the emptiness when you are self-employed and your financial stability is also depending on those projects, is far from easy. And so I went into the woods to ask advice from the trees, as I always do when I don't know how to go on. I asked: "What is the bigger meaning here? What am I supposed to create right now?" This time I didn't get an answer from the trees, but an old acquaintance replied. Somebody I had been dreaming into reality for quite some time. Somebody who had been knocking on my door again and again over the past years to check if I would be ready. Somebody who felt so much bigger than anything before and whom I always turned away, because I didn't know if I could do it justice.
It was my book who answered this time. And it told me fiercely: "Silvana, if you don't give me the space I deserve, I will take it without your control and all your projects won't be able to take place until you finally start writing me. You can choose: either you give me the space and the time voluntarily or I will take it either way."
This reply was so incredibly clear that I had to sit down and catch my breath for a moment.
If you're reading this blog you know that I like to write, about my life, about nature. What you might not know is that this blog has shown me that writing fulfills me, that I realized that I have a story to tell and that I like wrapping my thoughts in beautiful words. I already tried once to write this book, but back then I was still experiencing the story I knew would become my first book one day. Therefor I put pen and paper aside and I waited for the right time, but of course it never came as the perfect time doesn't exist.
But after the experience in the woods I felt strongly that now was the time and I asked myself why I had been waiting for so long? I think it was fear that held me back. Fear of not living up to my own story. Fear of not being able to write it the way I imagined. Fear of showing my story and hence also myself completely. Fear that this story would only be of interest to me and nobody else. The fear and I have been roommates for a long time, and what I learned over the years is that it isn't a good consultant. I hear the fear, but I try to not listen to it anymore. My book wanted to be written and it didn't matter if it would ever be published, because I wanted to write it for myself and for the story's sake.
And so I made a plan: I really wanted to make space for this book. The first few hours of the day I dedicated to writing, no distractions, just me and the book. I felt determined and what happened then was nothing short of magical. I wrote the book in a month. Nay, the book wrote itself. While writing I noticed that everything had been here all along and that I only had to follow my intuition. I wrote and wrote, one chapter after another. Completely organically the story assembled itself. And not just that, I experienced my own story once again. I was able to feel the love that was so present after my best friend had died, I traveled to Greece again to work with the sea turtles, I relived the process of leaving the city. And of course I also felt all the pain from that time again, the immense grief, the chaos in my heart and head, the insecurity. Time seemed to take on different shapes. Now mixed with yesterday and every linearity of time disappeared.
And while I wrote all the other things in my life fell into place, too. What I had been worried about a few days ago dissolved, although nothing in my outer world really changed. But first and foremost clarity came into my life. The clarity I had been wishing for in the beginning of the year. I felt that writing was what I really wanted to do and that I wanted to build on the blog, on the nature inspirations I am writing on instagram and on this book. But also that I wanted to expand on the yoga lessons, the retreats and the rituals, I had started the previous year and that bring me so much joy. My path suddenly got a more specific direction through writing this book and therefor also my focus became more purpose-driven. All of this is an inner feeling that has only just started to manifest into reality. I still have many questions, many insecurities, but as I feel clearer in my actions, I can better decide where I want to go at every crossroads, every obstacle.
My book is written, revised and read for what feels like a thousand times. The next step is clear: I'm looking for a publisher, because I can feel that this story is bigger than me and because it wants to be sent into the world. It's a big step and yes, the fear is here again, as it's my story, personal and intimate, that soon will lie in the hands of strangers. Whether I will find a publisher, whether the story will resonate, whether everything will evolve the way I hope, I don't know yet. What I do know, though, is that this book wanted to become alive with such a force, because it wanted to teach me many things. Because it brought me here and because it wanted to gift me with clarity.